Thursday, September 02, 2004

Relearning to Chill

When I was in community college, we watched a film by Akira Kurosawa called, "Dreams." In it features a segment whereby a character runs into Vincent Van Gogh, played by Martin Scorsese in this kind of jittery, hasty and uptight mannerism. Vincent was painting quickly and moving so fast because he feels as if he's going to die anytime soon, and that he has to get as much work done as possible before his life expires.

Well, that's kinda been like my thing lately. I set a lot of imaginary milestones for myself to get motivated, and I find it very hard to relax and not be productive. Recently, photography has given me an outlet to be creative with limited time constraints, and that's fun when I do manage to leave the stroller long enough to snap a few photos.

Tonight, and I'm not terribly proud of it even though no harm's really done, I got a little irritated at Zoe, because she was changed and fed, and she was just fussing up a storm with no end in sight. I got frustrated and felt completely helpless because I can't communicate with this tiny little infant. She's got her face scrunched up and her face seemingly in some kind of discomfort, and despite all the position changes and moving around, she's still fussing, bordering on bawling. I finally went downstairs to give her more formula, and she eventually fell asleep.

I know a lot of it is me. That I lack the compassionate that my wife possesses, and the patience. I want to fix things as fast as I can, and move on to the next thing. I know Alex was probably this tough when he was an infant, but since it was so long ago, I've forgotten how he was at all. If he cried as much, or if he fussed as much.

I've been a little antisocial these past few weeks. My road side manner has gone down the drain - any one who drives badly or cuts me off, I'm usually throwing insults at them in my car, while my wife has to suffer through this abuse, which she hears and the offending driver doesn't. I've also grown grouchy and cranky - which is a side of me that I don't really care for.

So, I'll have to try to relearn how to chill. I got out my headphones just about an hour ago and played a few new songs on my computer, and chilled out quite a bit. I forgot how music can completely put you in a different mindset and put you back into perspective. Doesn't really even matter what songs they are, they just reset your moods, and take you somewhere else for a few minutes. God, I miss that. I used to sit around on my computer in my room and play sounds in the middle of the afternoon, just chilling and surfing the internet. Can't really do that now anymore because of the babies (computer's in my room. Babies are often not.), and only a short time in the car.

You know, just to let the song blast through your stereo and cutting out every other peep in the room.

Here's my playlist - Ch-Check it Out - Beastie Boys, Testing 1,2,3 - Barenaked Ladies, Get Down Tonight - KC and the Sunshine Band, Let's Get It Started - Black Eyed Peas, Are you Gonna Be My Girl - Jet, Boogie Nights - earth wind and fire, Boogie Shoes - KC and the Sunshine Band.

I know, it's a strange playlist, but by the end of that set, I was in the mood for more music, and started mellowing out some more. Which might explain what my blog entry might seem a little scattered.

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