Monday, June 21, 2004

I actually have quite a bit to say but it's already one in the morning, and I really should be retiring before sleep deprivation claims me again.

But I wanted to say that I had a good Father's Day, my first real one - I had a celebration last year, but I hadn't officially met Alex yet, because he was still in my wife's tummy. My son got me a sweet card, and a balloon with little hearts that he scribbled on. My wife translated the scribbles because Mommies seem to be good at understanding garbled handwriting better than Daddies could ever do, and it said things like, "Thank you for sharing your food with me." and "Thank you for teaching me how to be a monster." And on top of that, I even got a videogame to boot! I really think that Alex got me a balloon so that he could play with it, but that's just the kind of Father's Day present that I love the best - seeing my little guy be so happy playing with a balloon, grabbing it and trying to fit it into his curious mouth.

I finally got all the planets to align just right and all the bath toys ready to go for his first dip in the inflatable pool that we got last summer on clearance. Turns out that the water is going to be too cold to be submerged in, even though he had little problem with the actual garden hose and the cold water coming out of it. Which was too bad, being how I would've like to see him enjoy the pool. I suppose that'll have to wait till next year or something.

There are things, that I admit, fade for me over time. My attachment to my cat Franklin, has faded gradually every single time he's tripped me, or woken me up at 3 in the morning. Now he's just a bastard cat who I love, but put up with. My relationship with my wife has only become stronger, as it inevitably had to be since we've had a baby. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without her, because she is so much a part of me that I wouldn't be surprised if we were one of those couples who couldn't make it if the other died. I would die of a broken heart.

I worry sometimes that I would love my son less over time - and I worry about that because a lot of things don't last forever. And since I feel that my love for my baby boy is so intense now, I'm worried that it would just sputter out when he gets older. In some sense, I worry a lot about Zoe's arrival because I don't want Alex to get any less than what he deserves. I don't want him to be overshadowed by a younger sibling. In a lot of ways, I am really glad that they would be brother and sister. Having two boys would definitely make it tougher.

But man, I sure love my sweet little boy. He has the greatest smile. He has this automatic smirk when I hold up my camera, either because he's wincing, anticipating the camera flash, or he's just a big mugger. God, there is nothing I wouldn't do for my son. Sometimes I just look at him in awe - this wonderful, beautiful, smart, hungry, and awesome little boy who's all mine to kiss and hold and smother and teach and laugh with.

I had a Great Father's Day.

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