Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I had a vivid dream about being in high school last night, except the people and locations were a little jumbled up. Elements of Singapore, my work colleagues, my actual high school, and some completely fantastical things were in there, but there I was, leaving class midway through a exam because I didn't feel like I could do any better if I stayed and actually took the test.

It was a Chinese test, and I knew that I couldn't write more than a few words of it, so having an entire exam on it was just ridiculous. So I rode my bike home. I decided to turn around and just finish the test anyway, and then the alarm sounded, which really pissed me off. The details of the dream were so vivid that every moment was accounted for, unlike some of the other dreams I have that cut from one scene to another.

I think a huge part of it has to do with me searching Myspace last night. I don't particularly partake in the "social networking" that is usually Myspace - the only non-friend I have on there is Jurassic 5, which for some reason, I think is my friend. The blog is pretty empty, and I have a few photos out there. Anyway, I did searches on there for people in my high school graduating class, and I hardly recognize any of them. Of course, the majority of the people on there were the popular kids, at least I think. The rest of us really don't want to have any association with our high school. But it's strange to see these unfamiliar faces, faces of older people who now have lives, occupations, kids, and in some cases stagnant progress. Like it's just been a year since graduation, even though it's really been 12.

Someone I didn't recognize send me an invitation to meet later on this month, which is really a peculiar time to meet since 12 year anniversaries are really not the thing to do. I'm not really considering it, since I feel like I haven't changed all that much.

That's the feeling I've been having lately - that I haven't changed, or progressed at all. I feel like I've been pretending a lot, like I'm not really a wedding videographer, I just convinced a bunch of people that I was. That I'm not really a good dad, I just act like one. And that I'm really just a day out of high school, that I lack direction, and that I am still trying to find my direction in life. Of course, all this is just my perspective - I do know that I love my wife and kids, and I sorta like that I'm doing wedding videography, even though I don't think I'm really good at it.

And filmmaking, I'm really thinking about putting this wedding videography thing on hold next year for the first few months. I really need to get my feature made. The big Three-O is really starting to grab me by the neck. Feeling like I really need something worthwhile in my obit if I get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I'm all right, really. Just thinking a lot about my place on this earth.

I feel for you man, I've been having the same feelings of "dang, i got to contribute more to this reality I exist inside of..." too! I've been working on a few books, and some movie ideas too but i havent really done anything with any of my ideas. so i highly recommend you doing something. of course i'm hear to proof read (beta test? hehe) any scripts, provide on tokyo location shots (if needed haha) or anything else I can offer. would like to help. could even do publicity like the old days, but more like "net publicity" which isnt a bad idea...

although you know the other meaning of that dreams is you wish you could use more Chinese than you can so you should make sure your kids can use some chinese !! foreign languages are awesome!! the more known the better!!!!!!
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