Saturday, October 07, 2006

I was waiting in the car and I had some seemingly profound thought that flashed across my mind, and then I realized that it probably wasn't really that profound at all, but rather it was just something that I have known all along. I was just trying to ignore it because it's a little hard.

It's about percentages. I think I really suck at it. I think everyone deals with percentages, and if those percentages are even a little bit off, that the balance of life follows along with it. I used to blame it on youth, that when you're younger, you have more time, more concentration, less things to worry about so your percentages are spread more evenly. When you're a wanker like me, you're just all over the place. As a result, all your percentages are low, even those of a leisurely nature.

When I edit, I imagine I'm usually at 20%. I drift off to do other things. I take a lot of breaks. I get bored a lot. I surf, I play with the kids, I goof off. I will even see there and stare at the footage, trying to imagine what it's like to be a person in that group. I think 15% is even not that unfair.

When I relax, honestly, it's not even 100%. I'm full of tension, I'm full of anxiety about the work that I'm not doing, and I'm just not able to full relax. There's something I should be doing, and I can't wait to get back to not doing it.

When I play with the kids, I have to admit, I fare rather poorly. I think 55-65% is a little frightening, but I believe that may be the truth. If I'm not actively doing something that has nothing to do with the kids likes tapping away at the laptop or keeping busy with the camera, I'm just worried. Again with the things I could be doing. I know, no lecture required. The Beatles said it best, "The love you take is equal to the love you make." I don't want to be a parent to two teenagers who don't give me the time of day because I didn't give them the time of day when they were younger. I mean, that's what really happens nowadays, isn't it? Parents don't give their kids time and the kids adapt. Nobody wants to be sitting around, pining for attention. Unless you're a teenager who lives in my house. But I digress.

People just adapt and then suddenly when you're ready for the attention - they've learned to do without.

I need to focus. I need to increase my percentages in everything I do. Work, play, kids, sleep. I need to be closer to 100% on everything, and not be so non-committed and disinterested in what I have to do at the moment. Work hard, play hard, parent hard. I can't coast on this half-assedness that I've been doing, because it'll eventually destroy all the aspects that make up my life.

And right now, I'm really not supposed to be blogging. Back to work.


Comments: Post a Comment