Sunday, August 03, 2003

This is really breaking my heart.

I know I've thought about it a lot, but it doesn't make it any more difficult to quit my business. But I filed for my taxes online today, and I probably did it incorrectly, but the correct way would've cost me about 100+ bucks, something that I really can't afford right now. So I lie on my taxes. I don't know what else to do. I was really tempted to just close shop by closing my business online, but I didn't. Then I was tempted to see my camera on ebay, until I saw the going rate. It's not shabby, I could get about 1700 for it, but that's about a 800 bucks in losses.

The only thing that I could really bring myself to do is to post a notice on my website, stating that I'm basically stopping on all requests, and finishing up what I have left. I dunno, I've abandoned ideas before, but this one is really breaking my heart. Even when I try to approach it like a movie idea that failed, or having to move on like the movie just wrapped, this one is just difficult because I created everything. I spent a lot of money (on credit, nonetheless) and created everything from the shooting techniques, the editing, the logos, the website, the forms... Everything is now just junk.

I know in a way it is the right thing to do. This business has not really been profitable to me, and it is not a business that can sustain supporting even myself. It has begun chipping away the peace between my wife and I, because she's always worried about my editing not being done. And I'm going to be a father soon, and would very much like to spend my evenings and weekends with my son, and with my wife. And I would love to do movies again. My personality has become seemingly bland and the little victories in creative editing that I have succeeded in are only enjoy by myself and my wife. I miss sharing it with the world.

I also miss one of my favorite pasttimes that I have been unable to do all summer, watch movies. Tomorrow we're going to the Pickford to watch Winged Migration. Because I'm sick of being a workhorse.

I can't go to sleep yet because I'm saddened by this. It really means a lot to me, maybe more than any movie that I've done. I just hope that it's the right thing to do.

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