Saturday, February 28, 2004

First of all, sorry to everyone about the comments being deleted and changed. I got sick of Enetation working only half the time, and sometimes even stalling up the page, so I switched over to Haloscan. Hopefully it'll fair better than Enetation.

Being a new parent, I have to say that a lot of priorities have changed for me. A lot of emotions have changed as well, I have to say that my general attitude toward everything is far different than it was 6 months ago. Not better nor worse, just different. I don't know, I'm sure some people would differ on that opinion.

For starters, my patience has gone out the window with most things. Work seems boring as never before, people seem less important, and I have a growing intolerance to things either not working correctly as it should, or things that come up unscheduled. I like structure and predictability now, instead of surprises and new things. Routine is actually quite reassuring, because the baby pretty much runs on a schedule. Otherwise we can't plan anything. A trip to the supermarket is planned now, even running out to Haggen to return a movie turns into an outing.

It's re-balancing my patience to be with Alex. I try to be more patient with him, therefore all my other patience for all the other things out there has dwindled. I can't stand people who don't do things like they're supposed to anymore. Things have now divided into, "Do your job, and be a functional useful human being," or, "You're a complete waste of time. You serve no purpose other than to take up space." I know it's rather callous of me to say, and I really can't justify that in any positive way. But that's just how I'm feeling now. Turned into a maximizer, which I guess is someone who trys overly hard to find the best possible solution or decision to any given thing.

Took Alex for a walk today, and then I played with him a little. I like to bury my face in his tummy and hear him giggle, just something so reassuringly human and wonderful about that. Getting down to the very basics of human interaction without all this complication. I make him laugh, and his laugh makes me happy. Simple.

I'm having some problems relaxing and taking it easy - there's this imagined sense of urgency that I'm suffering from, probably some odd heightened anxiety that I need to address. This stems from whatever free time I have when I'm not busy working or watching Alex. I would run around the house trying to do at least 3 different things at once, some productive, some not. For example, I was watching TV last night, writing in the blog intermittedly (that's why the last entry seems drifty), and running upstairs to install a program and ensuring that it's running smoothly.

By which way, Virtual PC for Mac is stupid. It's like putting ketchup on a really good steak.

So this insane and fruitless multitasking ends up being, not surprisingly, counter-productive, because I either never finish anything or I'll finish something but not spend the time relishing in my sense of accomplishment -- because I'm off doing some other project somewhere else, and not doing my little victory dance.

But I'll say this much. Writing on the blog, right now, is feeling really nice. I'm about 85% here, writing on the blog and not doing anything else. About 10% of me is wondering what I should do after this (render some of my previous short films to make it look more like film) and the remaining five percent is lusting after my bag of Spicy Cheetos downstairs. They're ghetto fabulous!

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