Ten Things I've Never Done Before I Became a Parent

10. Waited for someone to poop. By holding her legs in the air.
9. Since we're on the subject, I've never made physical contact with another human being while doing my bathroom duties. Now I either have to hold one in my arms or have one running around the bathroom.
8. Wiped someone's face with my own shirt - It's more important that he looks handsome than I do.
7. Laugh hysterically about absolutely nothing, just to get him to do the same.
6. Sang so many damned made-up songs with bad self-composed lyrics.
5. Fidget so much. I fidget a lot myself, but I've got calves like a mother because of trying to bounce babies to sleep.
4. Bitten off food for the sole intention of feeding it to someone else. Okay, I tried it once with my wife, but she thought it was gross.
3. Watch bits of "Oprah" and have it relate. Damn you, Oprah! I'm not a woman! Damn your common sense and touching segments on babies!!!
2. Enjoyed the art of rest and relaxation. It's so far and few in between.
1. Loved two little babies so much even though they batter me, scratch me, throw up on me, pee and poop on me, and drool on me. Man, this thing I have for them is so unconditional that I'd do anything for them. Except maybe stay awake.