Saturday, April 09, 2005


So Will comes home with JL today, and I couldn't resist being a snarky bastard about it.

Me: So, Will, let me ask you this. What were you doing the other day when JL was missing?
Will: I was so worried! I didn't know where she was and blah blah me me...
Me: Is that why you were on the Playstation?
Will: Well, I didn't know what else to do, I didn't have her friend's numbers or where she was and blah blah blah...
Me. So playing Resident Evil was helping you find her.

I guess there is an upside to being a stepfather of a teenager after all. I get to say what I really think because after all, I'm supposed to be mean.

Well, 98% of my day didn't involve me being a butt, but rather being ready to get off work because I am now off for the next 9 days!! Woohoo! They will be nine rather non-relaxing days, because since I'm the trip planner and place driver and reservation holder of the Vegas adventure, my mind will constantly be jumping from one thing to the next. I'm still up in the air about the Grand Canyon because one side says, "Start at midnight. The kids will sleep through the drive there, and you only have to worry about the way back." and the other side says, "You'll die in a fiery car crash if you don't sleep, you stupid man. Of course, it'll be just you because you'll be too tired to realize that everyone is still asleep in the hotel while you hop into the car and drive yourself to your fiery death. Plus you're really going to screw up your internal clock, dude." But get this, it could very well be a 15 - 16 hour day, easy. Babies don't really understand why they have to be strapped into carseats to see a big dumb hole in the ground, but for the sake of my mom and my wife, I really should make the trip. Still got time to decide, I guess.

I was just snooping around, looking for more ways to spend money I don't have, and I found out that the Wiggles were going to be in Everett later this month, LIVE! Unfortunately, we'll likely pass on this one mostly because paying 120 bucks for all of us to see the Wiggles LIVE! without Alex really understanding the concept of LIVE! or celebrityhood, it probably isn't worth it. Zoe could really care less unless she got to crawl around the arena floor and put various assortment of crumbs in her mouth. I think my wife and I would likely enjoy it more, because our brain reverts to its pre-school stage whenever we hear a Wiggles song. I think the cheaper alternative is to paying all these sweaters, and pretend we're the Wiggles for Alex. I could be Jeff.


Yeah, exactly one person I know got that, and she's sleeping right now.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

And Now, Repentance.

Cut down a tree, Grow a forest. Something like that.

Well, at least 5% of my mind have been about other things, like the impending trip to Vegas. I am really looking forward to that despite the complication logistics of travelling with babies, but since my lovely wife will be my cohort and my mother will be along, I think it'll be okay. Still deciding if the 6-hour drive each way to the Grand Canyon is suicidal. It'll be worth it, but at the same time I'm dreading baby fury from the backseat.

I'm only loving my son and daughter with each passing day, as Alex gets more communicative with simple words and simple things like sharing a joke, or doing a little jig together. I Tivo-ed a bunch of Wiggles episodes and isolated all the musical segments, strung them together on a DVD, and that keeps my boy pretty busy. I love seeing him dance to the music and doing little bits from it, and the mistimed gestures and awkward dancing just makes me love him so much more. He's perfect in his imperfections. I love it when he tries to sing along, and he's off-key and high-pitched, and very very proud when he finishes. Although it does get a little difficult sometimes, I do love it too when he wants me to hold him. It's good to feel needed and loved by this little man. I love it when he jumps on my back and crawls all over me, and gives me big hugs. And his laughter. God, that shit is addictive. Hearing it makes me the happiest Daddy in the world because it makes me feel so proud and wonderful when I can make someone so happy. My wife has these moments too with me, and it is simply the greatest emotion in the world. I also love it when Alex shows his affection to Zoe, sticking his head to hers and having this gentle smile on his face. Or sharing a toy with her, rare instances as they may be.

And Zoe, my little Z-Bear. She's sitting, and cruising a little, and cute and wonderful and funny. Her laugh is just as addictive because it's a different sort of laugh - this explosion of squeals and giggles that melts my hardened ass whenever I hear it. And her smile on her face just brings one to mine. Her curiousity is also something that's gotten her into some hasty rescues. Caught her eating a bit of graham cracker tonight after Alex dropped it. She's also gotten sips of milk, juice, and probably even cat food that's been dropped. Who knows. Alex had a pretty discriminating taste, but Zoe's gonna try everything, I guess. Just today she learned how to hold her own bottle, though she still needs a little help tipping it so that the milk flows.

And my wife. My best friend and my muse. She inspires the best out of me, and I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else. She's been having a tough time dealing with my quest for a better career lately, thinking that she has held me back from a career because of babies we've had together, and also because of her daughter's undeserving need to stay in Bellingham. But I've told her that I don't blame her at all, it's my fault that I waited so long after graduation to start getting serious about a career. And really, I chose the worse profession in the world because it's highly unstable and requires a lot of money. But she's the world to me, and she's the yin to my yang. And I don't really know what the hell that means.

Okay, that's all.

Murder, I Wrote

The thing I did kill were the comments, which I should've done a while ago. They serve only as a reminder of how unpopular I can be at times, and Dansen had the right idea all this time. I thought it was a crazy idea at the time, but since a few of the readers I know don't leave comments, it's not like it's a big loss.

Meanwhile, my murderous rage has been bubbling to a boil these last two days because there's been a person who's been constantly lying to us, being very selfish in her actions - so much so that she decided to leave the house yesterday without permission, a note, or a message, causing us to involve several people and bother our friend Maralise to watch over the babies in order to search for her dumbass. In the end we only found her because someone else had told us where the fuck she was. What made me more furious is that I had to bottle it all in, because she was crying and feeling sorry for herself, and my wife wanted to keep her promise not to yell at her.

My problem with the whole thing is that she doesn't deserve not to be yelled at. 3 very simple rules - get good grades, don't lie to us or withhold information from us, and do your chores. She has not upheld any of them (except the chores, which are done half-assed without any sense of pride), and she's getting an F, Two D's, and 3 C's at last count. There's a difference between challenged and stupid, and she's not challenged. She's just not turning in her homework. i.e., the other day when she called in the morning for me to email her homework from the home computer. I did so, and was later for work than usual, but she never retrieved it from the computer. It was due that day and she had the whole goddamn day to turn it in, but she never bothered.

The lying has escalated as well, and what brought it to that point of her having to cower away at a friend's house was because we found out from the school that she was warned several times by the school hall monitor not to make out at school. So it's evolved into behaviorial problems, on top of being tacky as hell to make out in public. I've tried talking to them, telling her that she's in a dangerous place because she's being a trophy girl who doesn't even talk that much to her idiot boyfriend. I call him an idiot mostly because he's a smart kid who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up and listen. Whenever he replies with an annoying ancedote after I chide him, I know he's not fucking listening. He's just thinking of boring-ass stories to tell that he thinks are showcases for how interesting and funny he is, but they're just sad little yelps for attention.

But you know, it's not the fact that they're young, or her grades are bad, or that I don't think she's ready to have sex because she can't even flush the toilet after she uses it, or turn off the lights in the morning, or even be aware of her surroundings enough to not step on Zoe twice. No, it's the way she's been treating us. Lack of respect for our feelings, our trust, and our rules. Our rules are easy, and not difficult to achieve. Do. Not. Fail. Do we get a fucking check from the government if you get As? No. I don't even care if they're all C's, just don't fail, don't be a stupid Options kid because you do not have a learning disability - you have a responsibliity disability. She dreams about living with her father, who is slightly more responsible than my one and a half year old son, and probably dreams about living with her boyfriend or her sister. Well, guess what. You lie, and conceal, and take off without leaving a fucking note, you disobey simple house rules, and you step on other people's babies? They're gonna be mad at you too.

I hate that this rage is consuming my mind. It's not healthy, and I want to be done with it, I really do. There are millions of things that deserve my love and attention, my respect and my time, and this is really pissing me off. It has shat in my mind for the last two days, and maybe this murderous rant will help me get rid of it. Because I am so done with this. I have scripts I have to write, a son and daughter that I have to love, a wife I have to love, a trip I have to look forward to, and I don't need this at all.

And by the way, all the people who are giving us advice about how to "listen to her" and "give her a break" and "let her be", fuck you. I have talked to people who are either currently parents of teenagers or have been parents of teenagers, and they completely understand the frustration. They may not be as harsh or dismissive as I am, but they know the battle and what they're talking about. They know that sitcom advice and "being your friend - and your parent" shit doesn't work. You have to be strong, to stand your ground, and believe that what you're doing is right.

Because that's what's pulling me through right now.