"Ain't that a Kick in the Head."

Frank Sinatra sang it best, and I proved it right. We went paintballing today, and I have to say that I'm happy that Trench and Syrinx really enjoyed themselves, along with some of their other friends. Syrinx was the most suprising one, I think, being how I heard that she was anti gun, and she herself admitted to thinking that she would really hate it and have a horrible time. Countrary to that, she had a blast despite being shot in the head a couple times. A couple of friends enjoyed it too, while a couple opted to sit out the other games.

Me, I was all gusto going into it, but I have to be perfectly honest - I'm very disappointed in myself. I say this not because I got shot in the head twice, and in the side once, but also because the moment came and went, and I froze all three times. Paralyzed by fear, froze in my tracks, just hid and prayed not to get hit too badly. I was the guy in Saving Private Ryan who froze and watched his friends get shot.

I know, some people are made for that kind of stuff, and some people aren't. I think I was of a different grain, the tougher type, the kind of guy who would step up when required and do his best. But evidently, I'm not. I'm the draft-dodging, mommy-begging type who would rather be somewhere nice and safe, selling war bonds or something.

I'm generally okay with that, but I think I'm just a little disappointed because I suggested it, I was really looking for it, and like the first time I played paintball, I was uncomfortable with the situation. The intimidating overwhelmed me and I just waited to be slaughtered.

My wife loves me still, and she told me that it was okay. Strange thing was, she was worried about me the whole time, and I was thinking about her a lot. She said that I was a sensitive type of guy, and that was perfect for her. And I guess that's what's important.

But I'm still a wuss.

I don't like projectiles coming my way. I did not like getting shot in the head. Twice.

Way to ruin a perfectly good DVD.

I got impatient, and thought that I could burn a DVD and type on the blog. Well, no, I can't. It interrupted the blank and now the DVD is trashed. Grr. I hate wasting perfectly good blank media.

And I was going to start the blog out differently.

So I added a email contact to the side, so that people can continue to not email me and tell me things that they don't want to say, but this time it's special because it's Gmail. Of course, being a MacAddict that I am, I had to download a Mozilla browser, or Firefox, to even view the Gmail menu because Safari doesn't do that. That brings up the number of email accounts to 6, my personal hotmail, my 2 business hotmails, my comcast, my yahoo, and now my Gmail. I don't check all of them all the time, except my personal hotmail, which has been around for the longest time. I think unless Gmail gets on Safari, I won't be using it all that much.

Don't knock a perfectly good tangent.

So tomorrow, I'll be cutting off work early to go to another ultrasound. I swear, I've been to so many ultrasounds this past year and a half, I could probably tell the radiologist to take a coffee break while I take over. My ultrasound punchcard will entitled me to a free ultrasound soon. Nothing big, just another routine one to see how Peanut is doing. It's so hard to believe that it's only about 4 more months before we have another baby. And then my head will explode due to the sheer overload of attention that's handed out. It is true and a little sad that Peanut hasn't gotten the same kind of pre-natal gushing we gave Alex, but it's mostly because we're so busy with Alex, not because we love her any less. I was scanning some baby clothes today and there were tons of cute little things. I have to say that having a girl is still kinda weird for me - and I think eventually some day, she will become a teenager and I will not know what to do with her.

So we were in the car, and JL does a fake sneeze, and Alex cracks up. A big belly laugh that's just simply the greatest sound of earth. Happiness in a can, laughter that would melt the most jaded grouch, like me. That's really cool that JL elicits such a positive response from Alex, and frankly, my wife and I are a little jealous. Hey baby, don't you know? We try hard to humiliate ourselves openly and speak in very strange tones to amuse you, and yet you just stare back at us and think to yourself, "I've seen better." We feed you, we worry about you, we clothe you, we change your diaper, we hold you till you fall asleep, we clean up your projectile vomit, we play peek-a-boo until the blood rushes out of our heads, and we degrade ourselves constantly to amuse you - and you laugh for her? Oh boy. I mean, that's okay - I always think it's great when babies laugh, I just think that I've earned it more. If you've ever had a dog who favors a visitor more than you, it's kinda like that. But I guess I should be grateful just to hear that laugh, no matter who's evoking it. It's just so much cooler when you know you're responsible for it. Ah, the gratitude has already started.

Tonight, I bought brownies from Freddy's that had cream cheese and raspberry frosting on top and I died. I told my wife that we had to move to Utah so that I could be married to her and the brownies. They just hit the spot, especially because my wallet decided to stay home today, leaving me with some stupid microwave lunch and a bottle of water for the whole day. There's one piece left, and there's no doubt in my mind it'll be gone tomorrow morning when JL eats it for breakfast. But they are so goood.

Alex, Wonderboy, is doing about the same. Teeth are trying to come in, and he's just being a fussy little guy. Some days he wants to be held, some days he wants to go explore. Not much going on with the little guy. Oh, we got formula with the WIC voucher, and we'll see how the different brand goes. He'll have to get off Similac, which is the Coca-Cola of infant formula, and go to Insomil, which is I guess, the Pepsi version of the powdered stuff. The cans are smaller and different, but it's free, so we'll give it a shot. And yes, it feels weird using the vouchers.

Yeah, it's late and I have to work tomorrow.

Going paintballing on Saturday! Woohoo!

Ouch, man! Not the back of the head!

It is my belief, especially sitting here at the computer now, that I will smell of pee, poop, baby food, or all of the above for the next five years of my life. Alex was wet when I extracted him out of the stroller and now I still smell of pee. It's okay, I just wish that of all the things that he picked up from me, that wouldn't be one of them. Ha ha.

I'm in a better mood today, because of the really good auditions this afternoon. I like it when stuff works, when people band together in the quest of doing something good and ambitious. I also enjoyed writing up premises for the group, and it gave me the realization that all my characters should have their own evaluations. Why they do what they do, why they strive for what they do. Nobody ever sets out to be annoying and hateful - there's always some reason or another they behave that way. Anyway, that's what I realized today. I'm a little slow, I guess.

My resume is undergoing another revamp, because I found it to be too preachy compared to the other sample cover letters and resumes out there. So I'm going back in, trying to fix it all over again, shortening my chunks of lyrical garbage into more bite size information. I will have it in the mail by tomorrow.

Alex has been up to a few things, namely the crinkle in his nose that makes mommy so happy. It's a cute little gesture that I haven't been able to capture on film yet, but he crinkles his nose by squishing the top half of his face, showing his gummy tooth and scrunching up his eyes. We don't quite know if he's doing it because of his teething or it's just become some habit, but he does it when he's eating, when he's happy, and when he's crying.

He's also starting to wave Buh Bye, which is basically him flailing his arm about and the rest of us excitedly waving back at him, repeating, "Bye Bye!" like deranged tourists. He probably thinks its a gas that we're mimicking him, with no concept of what it implies. And that's fine by us.

The other thing that I haven't captured on film yet is his affinity for my butt. He likes my butt. Sometimes when he sits on mommy's lap or at the high chair, I turn around and shake my butt on his hands or his feet and he just LOVES it. He laughs and looks up at me, and thinks it's the greatest thing on earth. That, he learned from Mommy. Except Alex doesn't shove money down my pants like Mommy does.

And with that, I'm done!

I'm stressing out over my resume because there's a job that I'm lusting for, a video editor position for a TV station in Seattle. I'm not quite sure exactly why I am doing so, mostly because I'm completely delusional that I'm going to qualify for a job like this. This is mostly because it is a local TV station, and I will put good money down that there are more experienced, more qualified people out there that can fill this position and do it well. But I guess trying won't kill me. I hate updating my resume though, all the dates always fall out of my head.

Sorry I haven't been updating in a while - I've been trying to handle a crisis of what I should do with my career. I would like to publicly acknowledge my wife for being so patient with me, being how I've been such a pain these past few days, just bogging her down with my thoughts on how I don't think I'm any good at anything. Despite her saying that I'm a good dad and husband, I've been obsessing with my career path, telling her that I need to do something that's a little more rewarding for my soul, as well as bringing more money into the house. It's not so much a male ego thing, it's just that we're trying very hard to make ends meet, and it sucks royally. I mean, we shouldn't have to skim out on groceries because we just paid a few bills. Every Friday we breath a sigh of relief because we got paid, and a few hours later, we've started the cycle of panic again because we just bought groceries and there's nothing left in the checking account.

This is how I'm feeling - I want a new job. The current job isn't hard, especially for what it pays. The boss leaves me alone, I work alone, and it's really not hard at all. Benefits are okay, hours are great. But at the end of the day, I haven't changed anyone's life. Not that anything I wanna do and get paid for will do that, but in its own minute way, I feel as though it would. Even if I produced a reality show that was truly horrible, I would at least have something to prove for it. I need to leave behind a legacy of work that people can scruntinize in the future, man. This everyday work stuff is too much for me.

So, I was looking through my old accomplishments while building my resume, in order to gather dates and remind myself what I've done before and have forgotten since, and it's amazing how much of it I have missing. The newspaper articles that I wrote all through college and high school are probably stashed somewhere in my garage, but I can't find it. The stuff I did find though, which includes old scripts and old ticket stubs and articles about my movies, brought back a lot of memories. I miss having that cramped into my brain. All that preparation and shooting and editing, just having it all come together is such a great feeling.

Sigh. I'll have to get the resume sent out Monday or else it'll never get done.