Friday, March 14, 2003

Pain, Tears, and Itchiness

With the help of Trenchcoat, we put up the king size mattress in the room, and it's a huge ass mattress. It has two seperate zip codes, and to a bedbug, it must seem like Africa. If Africa was covered in flannel. Anyway, slept on it last night, and FC woke up great. Her back was superb, with so much support that she just was happy. Me? Like I was kicked in the neck and back by a stampede of schoolchildren in a Baskin Robbins. I couldn't even lay on my side because the mattress was so firm. So my breathing's really weird, my head feels detached, and FC feels bad for me. But I feel bad for complaining to her as well.

But last night, before the deathly pain that now currently inflicts me, we were laying in bed with Franklin, the wonder cat, and we were leaving an imaginary space between us, where the baby could lay. We were imagining that the baby would lay there while we just smiled at each other, the happiest place on earth with a lotta love flowing all around us.

Then I would wake up and my ass would be kicked by the mattress.

So I woke up in pain, tried to lay back down in some comfortable stance and got bored, so I turned to "A Baby Story." And I knew it was going to happen, but when the mother gave birth to a little girl, I sobbed like a monkey without his bananas. This lady gave birth in a rocking chair, which as a little weird, but it was such a beautiful thing to watch. And yes, it's true, when you get older as a guy, the screaming from the pregnant lady no longer seems sexual in nature (when I was a wee lad, it seemed kinda sexy.) and the blood and gore of it seems pale to the wonderfulness of a baby. This has happened to me before when I watched Nova, where it was more graphic (which was the original reason why I tuned in), but then when the baby came out, my tears followed and I was very confused. What is this emotion? Am I really a woman?

I'm joking.

Anyway, when our baby is born, watch out for me. It'll definitely be a Kleenex moment.

Was thinking about abortion today, because of the canceled amnio appointment. Originally, when we found out we were pregnant and I was reading up on it, I read about the risks and how an amniocentesis would be able to test for any chromosomal or genetic disorders, and then knew what was coming, and then it would perhaps help us decide if we should keep the baby or not. All political correctness aside, dedicating your life to accomodating a child with Down's Syndrome or any other "challenges" is not for everyone.

I consider myself to be Pro-Choice. I think women should have the option to choose, to a varying degree. Abortion should be an option for some women, such as victims of rape, incest, and even women who may die from going through labor. And even women who do choose to abort a fetus when they've decided that they don't want to take care of a baby, they should have that option. I don't necessarily think that it's responsible, but it's their option. My Fiance, is very Pro-Life. She thinks that a fetus is a baby. It's killing another human being, and it's just morally wrong and irresponsible. We agree to disagree, and I think we've managed to discuss about our points of view relatively fairly, without really pushing the issue on each other too much.

The canceled amnio brought us together on one thing, that no matter how the baby is going to be like, we're going to keep it. My mind changed with the first ultrasound, when I saw the baby on the monitor, just kicking and moving up a storm. It has a heartbeat, it had a personality, no matter how instinctual, and it had a name that the ultrasound technician keyed in. "Baby Loi." All those factors were enough for me to attach emotions to something that was not clearly visible to me. Especially now when the baby is moving so much inside FC, although only she can feel it, I feel the excitement just fine from where I'm from.

In the end, I'm still Pro-Choice, what people decide to do with their bodies is still their business. But I'll never regret the decision the both of us made about keeping the baby, no matter what the circumstances may be.

Old post from yesterday when blogger was down...

Anyway, this entry is about a discussion with FC tonight. I read more about amniocentesis and told FC about it, and when she read more about it we were wary of the whole process. There's 1 in 200 chance that something could happen and miscarriage could occur. Reading more about it, it seems that a lot of it could be doctor error as well. A lot of women go through it and they're just fine, but the risk is there and for us, it doesn't seem to be worth risking. So we might cancel the appointment and skip it. The process is just testing for genetic defects, and we're not really concerned about that because no matter what, we're keeping the baby.

So the old wives methods of telling the gender of the baby is saying we're having a girl.

People are saying we're having a boy.


Wednesday, March 12, 2003

What Pregnant Women Dream About

FC told me that last night, the baby was really active inside her, just jiggling and wiggling, freakin' booties speaking to the cuties so belligerent (sorry, listening to Gorillaz).

But the cool thing was her dream. Apparently she dreamt that she was giving birth to a baby, and when she did, it was in a hoagie sandwich. We had to clean the baby out of the Hoagie buns, and take the lettuce out of its passageways so it wouldn't choke. So lah di dah, next she was trying to feed the baby and it turned into a monkey. Which is my fault due to my constant use of the word. Then it wouldn't feed because of... she had to send me to Home Depot to find an adaptor, let's leave it at that. So I went to Home Depot, but ran into some friends, and completely forgot about the adaptor, and my FC was mad at me.

I love my FC and if we had a baby monkey, that would be okay too. Good thing I speak Monkey fluently.

FC and I went for a walk at around 11 at night, because I thought it was such a nice night and all. So we talked a little about the visit to my Mom's, and I guess it was rather hard on her. My Mom said some things that were a little weird, but we kinda agreed that everyone would not be happy at first. We'll all have to ease into it a little. Later she told me a secret that made me pretty elated. She said that she felt the baby move around inside her tummy three times today, kinda just shifting around in there, trying to get comfortable. She's getting more apparent by the day, I think we'll have a eight pounder without a problem.

Told her that I thought about what I should be doing with my life. I would have to change my habits somewhat, no more just staying at home being a computer geek who edits all day, I will have to take the baby out for some sun, some nice fresh air, and when it becomes a toddler, the playground. I freak out a little when I think about how much less time I'll be having, but also take comfort into how much more life I'll be enjoying.

Brendon and Maralise are voting for us to get married here, regardless of whether my Mom attends. They said that we should get hitched in the courthouse, and then have a potluck reception in and around the house. Oh, and thanks for Dansen for plugging my movie to all his friends. I would if I had some.

Isn't it weird? The baby has already "determined" its gender, and it's just waiting for us to find out. The baby's first secret...

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

And Now, I Start Begging

This is not really baby-related, but a desperate plea to everyone who can help vote.

My ten second short, "Duel" is up for competition, and though it shows that they have no taste or sense of judgment by refusing our other two films, "Group Therapy" and "La Reine", I still hope "Duel" does something. If everyone could visit the film and rate it due its merit, I would appreciate it! I know we probably won't win it, because their rating system doesn't make any sense whatsoever... But please vote!!

Vote Duel!

Monday, March 10, 2003

Meet the Parent

For everyone who knows my situation at all, my mother has been a huge obstacle in my relationship with my FC. She has not approved it from day one, because of three reasons: Age, Marital Status, Kids. It's not even my FC she has a problem with, just plainly her social status. At any rate, today was a day that we dreaded, all of us. And now, at the end of the day, I have to say that things didn't go completely smoothly, but it didn't go too badly either.

It has just been so weird because my mother's been avoiding today forever, and FC actually dreams about this day a lot. There has been so much tension between two people who've never met, and I've kinda not fancied the thought of playing moderator today, even though I didn't really moderate much anyway. I'm not one to cause waves, I'm more of the one who persuades them. Asks for them to splash about politely.

Even the car trip down was slightly tension filled, because FC and I were slightly short with each other, from all the nerves being on edge. When we met with my mom, she was cordial, friendly, though not "Hey, you're marrying my son! Gimme a hug!" friendly. The whole day consisted of a lot of silence, some Cantonese, and some weird comments passed on by my mother to FC when I wasn't around. I had to go to the bathroom a couple times, and she said a few things to FC that seemed... It wasn't hostile, or mean, or threatening, it was more along the lines of cautionary. Protective. Still kinda weird, but FC played it well. She remained polite, and maintained a certain air of neutrality in tone, giving the impression that perhaps it was noted, but not much else. I dunno, I felt bad for both of them, and still managed to feel a little self-pity for myself, being stuck in the middle of an awkward scenario.

What did surprise me though, was that my mom had a few surprises up her sleeve. She gave FC a bracelet, and said, "Welcome to the family." and gave us both a card, congratulating us on getting married. She also wrote us a check for some money, which we intend to buy some baby stuff that says, "Grandma is #1" and the like. So, all we have to do now is to take that positive note, and know that it's good for life. She may have said a few weird things to FC, but overall, it was really great of my Mom to take the first step to acceptance of FC.

She is still undecided on whether or not to attend a ceremony if we were to hold it here, but we'll see what happens. All and all, it has been a really eventful day full of progress and hope.

Stupid phrase of the day: I coined it after FC said that the bracelet was nice. Thankfully, nobody heard me, but unfortunately, I will repeat it in the blog.

Me: "Wow, with the ring and the necklace and now the braclet, you went from no jewelry to bling bling.

Somewhere, Carson Daly gets a residual check.

Reason number #568, 203 why I love my sweetie so much -- She lets me draw on her toes.

A few late picture postings.

Here's a picture of our first toy for our baby, a little wind up giraffe which plays a lullaby and it slowly twirls its head to the music, making a zen-like motion to general happiness for all.

He's a cutie!