Friday, January 31, 2003

So how does my girlfriend feel about all this? She's afraid, much like me. Despite the fact that she's had two children doesn't prepare her for this new arrival. I'm worried about her overexerting herself, and she's being really good and commendable in keeping watch of her diet. Which means I should really drink Coke when she's not around.

She's reading up on a lot of things on the internet, which is kinda strange because she's avoided the internet like the plague a lot of times, but now it's coming up with mostly useful information, which is good. She's handling it pretty well, we're both getting used to the idea, but we still have absolutely no idea how to tell anyone in our family. We think of it as mostly positive, but man, people out there will make it their business, no matter what. I know I kinda did, when other people were pregnant. What the hell, that's karma for you.

So, to address certain questions about the title of this blog, "American Baby" doesn't so much address the fact that I'm simply amazed to death that my baby is going to be American. Surely, it is worth mentioning that I was born in Singapore and so forth, but America never really held any kind of allure of richness and democracy that one might expect a foreigner to have of this country. Aside from the geographic connotation and the fact that my baby will have all the rights of an American, the main reason I'm naming the blog, "American Baby" is because it seems like such a piece of Americana. This story could exist somewhere else in the world, but it will thrive in America. Not a lot of places in the world whereby you could have a couple like me and my girlfriend, who are having a baby, going through marriage, and having this mix of culture, religion or lack thereof, and having a baby who will be a few months younger than my girlfriend's older daughter's daughter. I don't even know what that's called. Em, yeah. Our child's niece/nephew will be older than our child.

Ow... my brain.

So about five people know about this at this point. I think I first told Cody and Ted, and Cody did the best thing I could've asked for. Shock, followed by a congratulations. Really, at that point, if he didn't do that, I would've caved even more than I am doing now. Ted didn't really have much to say, which, I suppose, can be a good thing.

Dansen knows as well, and my girlfriend's sister knows too. But oh, there's so many more people to have to tell. I have my mom, who disapproves of my relationship, my brother, who does the same out of pure ignorance, and my girlfriend's ex-husband, who definitely disapproves, my girlfriend's older daughter and husband, who strive in their lives to disapprove of us (well, it sure feels like that anyway) and there's my girlfriend's youngest daughter, who lives with us. I think she'll take it just fine, she seems to rattle on about having a younger brother or sister at times anyway.

So, yeah. I'm doing a fair amount of worrying, because I've been reading about women over 35 who have babies. The odds are not in my girlfriend's favor, as many problems are possible. I guess it's not healthy going into fatherhood with such a pessimistic forecast, but it's in me. I worry to stall, I worry to show concern. Birth defects, still births, Down syndrome, I practically know all about that but I'm still not ready to learn how to fold a goddamn diaper. Man, this is heavy stuff.

The good thing about all this is that about a week ago, while on a trip with Cody and Ted, I told them, which is a good of a pronouncement as any, that I was going to marry my girlfriend. And I also told Jay this. Which pretty much solidifies it in stone. My girlfriend also knows this, so it completely avoided being this issue that'll linger of whether I'll marry my girlfriend because she's pregnant or because I want to. It'll be because I want to, and that I'm ready to refer to her as my wife.

My girlfriend's sister mentioned something that scared the living crap out of me, and I'm only nominally worried about it anyhow. Apparently, when a woman is pregnant when she's older, the possibility of having multiple births gets higher. So, instead of worrying about one, there is a possibility of twins. Now that freaks my shit out big time. I don't think it'll happen, but then again...

So anyhow, just to mark it, we found out on Tuesday, 28th of Jan, 2003. And on Monday, we'll find out more. This is all very odd.

It all started rather uneventfully, really. We had gone to Haggen to get some food, I don't even remember what. We rented a couple of movies, and then we came home, and I wanted to play "Driver 2". I was aware that my girlfriend had bought a pregnancy test, but I think neither of us was really entertaining the remote notion that anything would come out of it. She looked at me from the stairs and my first instinct was that I did something wrong -- she had this look of seriousness and a smile was there. I've seen that look before, usually regarding odd circumstances that require special attention. I had to sit there and search through my memory to try to pinpoint if it was something I did.

And there it was. A single line that determined the rest of my life. And from now on, nothing would be the same.

That was like Tuesday, and we've been in a stupor even since. We have a doctor's appointment on Monday, but it's not even to really confirm that she's pregnant. Those tests are supposed to be 99.99% accurate. Which is pretty damn accurate I would think. I guess the appointment on Monday is to make sure that everything right? Not sure. It's so oddly surreal.

First things first, I named this Blog "American Baby" because I was thinking about doing a documentary about this experience, because it is such a life changing experience. It's nothing I can ever prepare for, and even up to now, it's a surreal reality that's evident only because we got a result from a stick. I think I decided against the idea of a documentary because I do not want to be busy filming and being a producer when I should be there for my girlfriend. Furthermore, I really should put more focus into my life.

With that said, my first official entry into the blog.